Lazy Girls Guide To Men

Good morning! Guess what? It’s my weekend. Woo hoo! Last night turned out kind of crappy though. I had plans, but got blown off. I wanted to watch the Bruins game, but the stupid satellite went out because of the rain and I ended up missing a VERY good game. Balls. I ended up just watching “Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.” It was good, not great, pretty amusing though. On a positive note, I took my chances on a 30 minute walk this morning and my achille’s handled it pretty well. I’m getting it looked at again later today so keep your fingers crossed for me.

This week I’ve received TONS of emails (two emails) asking me for online dating advice and general dating advice. Why you’re asking me, I’m not sure, but I’m more than happy to help y’all with your dating troubles. I put together a Lazy Girls Guide To Men. Well, it’s more of a list than a guide. I’m far too lazy and untalented to write a guide or any kind of book. I know where my talents are (math problems) and prefer to stay in my lane. Anyway, here you go:

If he says, “I still have feelings for my ex.” He means, “I’m still having sex with my ex.”
It’s just a date. CALM DOWN. Don’t fantasize about walking along the beach, eating breakfast together, picking out dishes for your new home together, etc… Have fun and stop putting so much pressure on one date.
If he calls or texts you once every two weeks to hang out, it means he’s bored and his friends aren’t around. Hang out if you’re bored and you’re friends aren’t around. If you enjoy his company, hang out, but don’t fool yourself into thinking it’s going to turn into something serious.
If he says, “I’m really tired tonight”, it means he took care of his own business because he was sick of waiting for you to be in the mood.
If he says, “You look stressed, let me rub your back.” He means, “Lay down and let me fondle you.”
If he says, “I’ve been missing you lately.” He means, “I’m so horny right now, I would bang the guy who lives upstairs from me.”
If a guy isn’t treating you well and with respect, stop dating him. I know this is common sense, but sometimes we lose our common sense down the drain in the shower. Don’t waste your time going out with a guy that acts like a tool or is playing games with you. You could be out having fun with your friends or at home drinking wine and eating cake. It’s like they say, you can do bad all by yourself.
If he says, “Are you going to eat all that?” He’s not commenting on your weight. He really wants to know because he’s hungry and wants the rest of your pasta. Chill out girl!
If you’re out and he asks, “What do you think? One more drink?” He’s thinking, “One more drink and I’ll have her legs around my neck.”
Do yourself a favor and carry a small toothbrush and toothpaste in your purse. Not for sleepover purposes, but to brush your teeth after dinner or a few beers. No one wants to kiss someone who smells like a hobo. Sure you could chew gum, but it’s bad for your jaw and makes you bloated.
If he says, “I need space.” He means, “I’m to much of a wimp to straight up break up with you.” Give him space. Lots of it. Hang out with your friends, take up a hobby, and start seeing other guys. If he comes back around and you’re still interested, have at it, but tread lightly.
If he says, “I’m sick of arguing.” He means, “Stop trying to make me agree with you.” He doesn’t so just drop it.
If he’s not calling you, texting you, or asking to see you, he’s not into you. It’s as simple as that. You will know if a guy likes you. Texting him or calling him isn’t going to change his feelings. Even if he’s busy, he will reach out to you in some way or find ways to see you. Don’t chase anyone, you deserve to be chased. You are the prize.