The last time I posted I was talking shit about the Giants and raving about my beloved New England Patriots. Oh and talking about Superbowl food.  I really believed there was no way in hell my Patriots were going to lose to the Giants… again.  And in those two + weeks that I’ve been silent on this blog, the Giants not only won the Superbowl, but I lost my father, one of the biggest Giants fans I know.

I don’t talk too much about my personal life on this blog. It just doesn’t feel comfortable to tell you all everything about me when I have no idea who you are.  But writing is therapeutic and I know I have to get these feelings out.

My father’s life was cut way too short.  His death made me realize how unfair life can be.  It made me realize how the world is full of IF’s.  And not having enough time.

I remember while watching the Superbowl unfold, I looked up at the clock and saw we had :57 seconds left.  Under a minute for a miracle.  But in my heart I knew it was too late.  And when the Giants won, I immediately started to tear up.  I said to myself, “that was for you Dad.”

The next day I took the day off of work and I spent a lot of time listening to sports radio.  The announcers kept saying things like: “If Brady didn’t throw that interception…” “If Welker made that catch…” “IF, IF, IF.” I cried while driving because in so many ways that one football game symbolized what I was going through with my father’s life.

On Thursday February 9th, my father passed away at the way too young age of 68 due to complications from Triple Bypass Surgery.

I’ve spent the last few days wishing I had more time with him.  Wishing I had more answers. Wishing we hadn’t grown so far apart in the last five years.  Wishing he had met my nephews.  Wishing he could meet my future son. I kept thinking “what if?”  What if he didn’t have the surgery?

My fathers funeral was on Sunday and over 75 people showed up.  A lot of people had great memories of my father. The truth was my dad was a big kid at heart.  He lived his life according to his plan and his weaknesses shaped his unique personality.

To paraphrase from my brothers eulogy, “if a persons life is measured by the memories he’s left behind, my father has no equal.”

I’m sure all the people who showed up at his funeral had numerous stories about my father.  And although my father was a complex man, he did have a very kind, giving heart.

My father captured our lives growing up through polaroids and with the worlds largest video camera known to man.  As soon as those video cameras went on the market, my dad had to get one.  And throughout my childhood, that video camera was always there.  Making videos in the 80s and 90s left a huge impact on me and was probably a huge reason why I majored in film in college and continue to make a career in the field. When I look back on my childhood, I think back to my track meets.  I think back to looking up in the stands before a big race and seeing my dad cheering his face off while carrying his big, bulky video camera.

I wish things could have ended differently for my father.  I wish I could have more time with him.  I wish so many things but in the end sometimes there are no answers. But the memories of my father will live on forever…