This blog post was originally called Pokey Pilates.  It originally had a sad, cynical tone to it.  Kind of went something like, “poor me, I cannot run. Poor me, I have to do “chilled out” workouts.  But then I got tweets like this yesterday and I knew it was time to change my attitude and be thankful, hopeful, and excited.

So in the spirit of capes, tutus, and thinking positive, I am changing this whole post into 10 Reasons Why I Love Not Running (Fast)
Once upon a time, I loved workout classes and GASP  hated running.  For someone who has absolutely no rhythm whatsoever and is always a half step off, I sure my loved my step and cardio kickboxing.  My movie selection was complete with the Firm, a rockette (yes rockette; with my favorite dance friend Jenn) dance workout video (don’t laugh it kicked my ass), and Billy Blanks Taebo.  Like running, these workouts were great while on vacation, hardly anything to carry but the video, just ask Aaron.  For running on vacation I only need to bring my two pairs of shoes (a back up of course), fuel belt, shorts, shirt, Garmin, iPod, shotbloks, sparkle shirt etc.  While doing workouts on vacation, I only needed the video and then the steps and 4 sets of weights that went with it.  O.K. maybe not so similar, I think the day I retired the Firm for running was the happiest day of Aaron’s life – no more 4 sets of weights and steps to carry EVERYWHERE and I mean EVERYWHERE we went.

Unfortunately for Aaron, Operation Stephanie Low Key Workouts is under way.  On Monday, my doctor impressed upon me that it was totally ok for me to continue to run, do pilates, yoga, strength training, and walk.  Runner Steph would be off the table running with those words, but “I want a baby Steph” knew that my doctor was not telling me “it is fine for you to go to Hot Yoga and then do an hour of speed work.”  Nope, instead she meant SLOOOOW miles, relaxing yoga, and nothing too strenuous.  She gave me general guidelines of absolutely no more than 10 miles in a week, 5 miles max at a time but generally like my nutritionist said only 30 minutes a day, 5X a week of working out.  Sure, I sort of want to jump off a ledge at this recommendation. Absolutely, I want to go kick out some hardcore hill workouts.  Yea, I am little scared of losing my body, my speed, and fitness.  But then I remember that 22.  I remember my bigger goal and I sit back down and tell running, for once, it will have to wait.  Instead, I am relaxing, rethinking my workouts and being positive.  So a list that is for me as much as it is for you on why this is a good thing:

It is a good thing that I can’t run like a fast crazy lady right now because…


10)  It is going to snow tomorrow and be cold, which is not much fun when  running

9)  Usually when it is snowing and cold, I have to hit the treadmill and I kind of hate treadmill running instead I will just make tomorrow a rest day and not worry that my training will be off

8)  My toes have not had 10 toenails in months, maybe years, so it will be nice to grow some of those back, why not

7)  With all the money I save on race entries, we can go to a tropical island (Dear Aaron, did you know I have planned a trip for us with Jenny and Beth and their husbands to a tropical island)

6)  I can still eat WHATEVER I want and do not have to run 18 miles to do so

5)  I can sleep in, workout, and still be early for work (although I currently woke up at 4 a.m. today, so yea)

4)  I can be the coolest cheerleader of them all on the sidelines

3)  I can party hard on Friday and Saturday nights as there is no long runs in my future a.k.a go to bed at 10 instead of 9.

2)  Maybe every muscle in my body part will stop hurting for more than five minutes

1)  I don’t have to buy any more Brooks sneakers for awhile as back up pairs (although I just bought three, I can’t help myself, my shoes are a dying breed)

In the spirit of being a low key runner, I put on my running gear and headed out with my favorite running partner for the first “Stephanie is a chilled out relax runner run.”  We did 3 miles.  I walked twice.  I did not break a sweat.  I absolutely did not break any speed records.  I did not get hot.  Instead, Robin and I shuffled along, we moved our bodies, we chatted.  I made it through.  I was a well behaved patient.  I had such a cramp  in my side, if you want to call it that (I want to hopefully call it pre-ovulation), that our pace was perfect.    I would like to tell you I am 100% o.k. with this run and it was all puppies and rainbows, and while I did actually enjoy it (because I love my socializing time), part of me wanted to sprint and go crazy and be like 3 miles, sure that is o.k. as long as it is 3 miles of speed.  But I didn’t because life is so much more than 3 speedy miles.

 I was even more well behaved that night when I celebrated my 3 miles by refueling with two helping of this..

Yesterday morning I chose NOT to run two miles with Aaron, even though I would have loved to hit the pavement.    Instead, I tried a Pilates video from Netflix.   It was not so successful, but more on that later.  In the meantime, I spoke with the PT this morning.  He suggested two days of weights and three days of running 3-4-5.   That is a bit TOO much but it made realize I can still run,  I can still keep my base I just have to truly Run For Fun!

Tell me how you run for fun or even better tell me why you love not running fast (humor me people).  If you have any good pilates tips or workout videos that would be great too…

Today is a new day.  Today is Friday. Yesterday, was what it was, but that is in the past.  All I know is what is in front of me at this moment and staying in this moment is safe and manageable.    Today is a new day and today I woke up with a new sense of hope, motivation, and determination.  Maybe it was the wonderful comments, tweets, e-mails, and texts I got yesterday (thank you so so much from the bottom of my heart you have no idea what it meant to me), the trip to the mikveh, a very special Facebook message I got this morning from a wonderful mother, a cohort of strong women that I have found battling the same issue, OR maybe it was watching the Hunger Games Trailer for the 10th time that really stuck with me (Dear Robin, why have we not bought tickets yet).

Whatever it is today, I am back to being the strong, “Challenge Queen” that I know that I am.  A very good friend reminded me this week of who I am.  She explained that when life throws my challenges I step up to them.  Something clicks for me and I just do it, full on.  What others may struggle with.  I grin my teeth and bear it.

A year or two ago, I was faced with such a situation.  And it kind of went like what happened yesterday.  When I was told that I needed to face my challenge and that it was for my own good, that yes I would have to make scarifies but ultimately I would be happier and healthier, I cried.  Even though I wanted to be happy and healthy, the idea of this challenge was preposterous to me.  I could not do it.  I would not do it.  So I cried, I felt sorry for myself,  I fought and then I talked to friends, found comfort in family, and faced my fears.  Again and again I looked challenges and stumbling blocks in the eye and told them to go to HELL!  While at my support group this week, I was questioned on how did I do this.  Being asked this question was so humbling.  It made me feel so good.  I realized how much I had been through and how much I have accomplished.

Today, I remember those challenges. I remember how when I was told to stop exercising that I did.  Something in me then clicked.  I knew what I wanted and needed to do and the stars aligned to allow me to do so.  I was very very lucky, but I was also very strong and took to my challenge like the “Challenge Queen” my friends have since dubbed me.

I have had my “woe is me time” and while I am not saying this will never come again (stay tuned Monday for my next appointment), but now I am ready to face life, the world, and whatever it has to throw out me.  I have a bracelet I use for challenges like this is has on it the words

Friday was my scheduled rest day.  Friday I ran 13 miles.  I cannot tell you how long this 13 miles took me or what pace I went or if I stopped at 12.99 or 13.01.  All I know is that Friday instead of resting, I ran 13 miles and had a blast.

It is no secret that I have been struggling both physically and emotionally.  I have been stressing a great deal about what is the “right” thing to do to get my period back and what that might mean for my day-to-day life, my running, and most importantly my family and my future.  People have been incredibly supportive and have offered wise words, advise, and comfort.  But I have continued to struggle with ensuring that I am doing the “right” thing, eating the “right” food, and exercising the “right” allotted amount.  All of this becomes more stressful as I cannot expect to see results immediately and have no idea if I am helping the situation.  All I can really see is that my pants feel tighter, my stomach hurts a lot, and that each pregnancy test that my doctors make me take before another test is negative.

Most importantly people have told me to relax.  To not judge myself or worry if I am making the “right” decision.   With all of the above, you can see how it can be hard to just relax.  I am used to being in control.  I wanted to be a lawyer, I went to law school, I studied hard, I became a lawyer.  I wanted a house, we looked around, we bought a house.  But this, this is not something really in control.  I have been even more judgmental about myself for wanting this control and wanting to do the right thing and not wanting to slow down, especially with my running.

Ultimately, though, I knew I needed a break.  I will be getting the blood tests back next week and until then there is not much I can do.  Until then, I have been pushing myself to be gentle, to relax, to enjoy myself, and to start turning my mind to change. That was my goal for this weekend and considering it took a good amount of energy to get out of my nice relax bath to write this post, I feel I have accomplished it.  This weekend I ran, I indulged in ice-cream and wine, I slept 11 hours, I did not leave the house for the day.  This weekend I relaxed.

This relaxation idea had been stewing all week.  I have been stressed, anxious, and have been having trouble concentrating.  Thus, on Thursday when XLMIC started to put challenges into my head, I knew it was time to take her up on them.  She challenged me to find 5 moments of joy in the next 24 hours and to write them down.  They could also be workout focused.  If I had something on my workout agenda that I did not want to do, she pushed me to just do something else and not follow the plan.  To really just RUN FOR FUN.  Both challenges seemed difficult at the time, especially since Friday was supposed to be a rest day.  But as my close friend has reminded me time and time again, I am the QUEEN of challenges and before I knew it I had more than 5 moments of joy.

The really eye opening experience, however, was Friday when, after work was over for the day, I headed out for my long run.   A long run was not on the schedule for Friday.  I did not have much time on my hands but it was beautiful out and although I was tired from a long day at work and it was almost dark, I could not help myself especially since my husband said he would join me.

We started out together.  Aaron had to run two miles.  He wanted to run the second mile at a 9 minute pace which is just about right, maybe even too fast, for a long run, so I said I would join him for that and then he would cool down and I would continue on.  He would then catch up to me on his rollerblades.

First a winnner!! Kelly at Running Kellometers is our winner.  Congrats Kelly! Send me an email please! 

I would like to tell you that my plan from yesterday went well and that I had the best run ever because I took it slow and everything fell into place.  Well, I did take it slow, but everything did not fall into place.    Instead, the run yet again went like this:

Unfortunately, I am a “Stubborn Runner.”

I would like to tell you all that I am a good little runner.  That I take my mistakes and learn from them easily.  That when I sit down to look at what went right and what went wrong, in my latest run, that I take the “what went wrong part” and work on changing it and improving it.  But alas, I am a Stubborn Runner and apparently that is not what us stubborn runners like to do.   Instead, we contemplate the run, assess what went right and what went wrong and then proceed on doing the exact same thing the next time instead of trying to make changes.

Case in point, the last two treadmill hills workouts I have run, have been less than stellar.  Last Thursday, I did 4 miles with three hills.  I wanted to break 30 minutes.  End result was more like 31 and change.    My stomach hurt all during this run and I had to keep jumping off the treadmill and resting.  Afterwards, I thought about why my stomach was so upset.  Maybe it did not like the granola bar I ate right before I went on the treadmill, although I often eat granola bars right before I run and/or maybe I was going too fast.
Fast forward to Tuesday, 3 miles 3 hills on the treadmill.  Same situation – bad stomach pains and a lot of starting and stopping.  Instead of under 22 minutes my time was 22:42 and that is being generous.

I have been contemplating these runs a great deal.  Thinking that it would be wise for me to change my eating patterns and/or slow down.  I would like to go outside and give that a whirl (because I think I do better outside) but honestly there is something about the dark and cold mornings that I just don’t do.  Instead, I like to wait until the very last second and sleep as much as I can and then hop out of bed and cram in some quick miles before scurrying to work.  But if I am going to just stick with the treadmill, something has got to change. I know this and I have been battling with it all week.  Ideally, I need to get through tomorrow’s 4 mile treadmill run with 3 hills WITHOUT STOPPING.  I have run 26.2 miles without stopping, I can run 4!  But lately on the treadmill I cannot seem to do this.  This means only one thing to me.  I need to slow down!

The idea of slowing down on these lower milage runs is hard on me and on my pride.  I want to do my best every time I run and work as hard as possible thus it is very difficult for me to force myself to go slower.  However, I know based on the past two runs slower might be my faster for right now.  I also know that there are other important goals besides just having my fastest run.  Right now my goal needs to be to get through a run without stopping and with no stomach pains.

So tomorrow, I will promise to start slower.  I will start at a 7:53 pace and assess how I feel.  If it feels really good, I will kick it up one notch.  If it feels bad, I will kick it down.    If I feel just ok, I will just keep it at the 7:53 and go from there.  I WILL NOT STOP!  That has to be the goal for tomorrow and one I have to accept.  As for the tummy pains, I might try a half of banana tomorrow morning instead but we shall see how I feel when I wake up..

So that’s it.  Here is to becoming less of a stubborn runner…..

Are you a stubborn runner?  Any good advice from one runner to the next?